The Gayest Band Names Ever

Ok guys. I think this is complete, but for real, I’m not going to put that much time into it, I’m just going to spit it out. I took everyone’s recommendations into consideration and just used my self-righteousness to disregard ones I didn’t agree with. It’s a slow day at work and a beautiful day at the beach.

Rules
It has to be unintentional. Barenaked Ladies or Butthole Surfers don’t work.
It has to be a recognizable band or I had to have sent them out before.
Blake is a fucking bitch for making the list that much better by segmenting it (I love you, seriously)

Auto-gay-dom – of course there are exceptions
The ______ - automatically gay, but there are exceptions
Misspelling your name, no excuses
The ____ ______ - combining two random words that don’t really make sense
______ and the ________ - for real? Go sprinkle rat poison in your eye and go fuck yourself.
Any combination of words and numbers (Sum 41, Blink 182, U2, 98 Degrees, Jurassic 5)
The name of an animal.


Ranked, in order from Hay to What Gay Horses Eat (Hey!!!!!) - and they should be ranked by name alone, but some things you can’t ignore..so there’s a boatload of subjectivity to it. I tend to hate sarcasm, tongue in cheek names.

Belle and Sebastian – reminds me of two shetland ponies gnawing on grass. See how gay they are? They just made me use the word gnawing.

The Get Up Kids – there was a time when I thought emo band names were cool, but then I’m a fucking 28 year old man now. MAN, not child (you got that, WOMAN?)

Jimmy Eat World – when I first heard of them, I thought of the video game Earthworm Jim. So I thought they were intergalactic penises.

Dashboard Confessional – seen that dude's eyebrows? So fucking thick and burrowed. If those shits caught on fire, it’d be able to evacuate an 8 unit apartment building.

Dogs Die In Hot Cars – I really hate sarcasm in band names. They spell cool like kewl.

Explosions in the Sky – it makes me think of extreme diarrhea (Katie, yes I love toilet humor)

Panic! at the Disco – I hate any type of punctuation in band names. Know how it fucks shit up when you’re trying to download it on Limewire?

Say Hi to Your Mom – You just want to punch this guy in the face. This jerk shops at Hollister and wears those gay ass seashell necklaces and hemp bracelets.

Architecture in Helsinki – admittedly, the band name fits their music (it makes absolutely no sense)

The Whitest Boy Alive – this is the equivalent of a tshirt that reads, “I’m big in Japan.”

Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – most people would initially think, “that’s a fun name. they seem like a fun band.” then you hear the guy’s whiny voice and you automatically think he has 4 gerbils in his ass.

Morningwood – very gay, but the lead’s voice is pretty sexy...she’d give Martina Navratilova a boner (even gayer was that Navratilova is fucking saved on spellcheck...fucking spellcheck!!! And muthafucking even “spellcheck” isn’t on spellcheck. That’s so gay I want to go to a Turkish bath house and drown in ecstacy...I’m so fucking mad)

Sparklehorse – sarcastic, gay name. This dummy uses Pantene Pro-V.

Nice & Smooth – these old school rappers think they’ll get laid with a name like that, I bet they groom their mustaches

LL Cool J – how many times can you lick your lips in an interview?

Good Charlotte – isn’t this guy dating Hillary Duff or something? I fucking hate them and won’t hesitate to smear their mascara with battery acid if I were to ever see them..presumably at the Teen’s Choice Awards...or 99% of the Southbay population’s iPOD playlist)

The Go Team – so many top-shelf girls love Go; and it drives me crazy. I only hang out with him to collect DNA samples and stem cell that shit to improve my game. Go is the Japanese LL Cool J. But I bet he licks other lips more often than his own.

TV On the Radio – know what’s even more ironic than the name? The fact that Black dudes from Brooklyn are making the best fucking music the rock scene has witnessed in the past 10 years.

Counting Crows – might as well name yourself “watching paint dry” or “watermelon seed spitting contest.” The act of counting crows must be real boring. Oh I know the perfect boring name, call yourself “texas hold em”

Oasis – I think this is considered to be British humor.

Air – You know, I think this name has bit of arrogance to it; but I kinda like it. This is me being “considerate” of other people’s deep engagements with their thoughts and their contributions.

Augustana – what is this shit? I was born in August and first I got fucked with being born in the only month without having a national holiday. Now my month sounds like a city in Georgia? What the fuck! At last make it a Blue state. I want to go punch a 12 year old girl now.

Kasabian – this must be the gay looking, bald Armenian guy that walks around Hollywood clubs with his Monarchy tshirt, gold chain, and Hennessey and Coke. Then does laps around the club in his white Ford Mustang or BMW 318 afterwards.

Aqualung – the gayest superhero ever was Aquaman. And I don’t care how happy-go-lucky he is, Vincent Chase is a douche. I want his life.

Interpol – remember that classic arcade game, Pole Position? I always thought there was something gay about it. Then my poor, ignant ass never knew Interpol was like the European police. If someone told me that Interpol was looking for me, I would think they would try to apprehend me on shetland ponies (named Belle and Sebastian).

Stellastar – haven’t we learned from Starship?

Wham – George Michael shaking his butt, with those close up shots really could’ve been dangerous while I was developing my sexual identity. Thank lord for Vanna White and Kelly Bundy.

Marvin Gaye – He was so smooth, he was just burdened with a gay name. Might as well have been born Marvin Lovesvegetablesuphisanoos

Mr Mister – how much more must he convince himself and the world that he’s not gay? Repetition can be a sign of uncertainty. Mr. Tribal Tattoo. It’s like those manly men that spend all day watching UFC, cage fighting or Football. Really, when you think about it, you’re watching a bunch of dudes touch each other. I’d rather go watch Maria Sharapova model adidas clothes at The Home Depot center with Roy, anyday.

Ditty Bops – shut up, dumb girls. That’s not cute.

Fall Out Boy – god, I hope these guys get pants'd on stage one day

Gin Blossoms – the early-mid 90s brought an onslaught of gay names that tried to sound all eclectic..

Stone Temple Pilots – like them

Smashing Pumpkins – and as dope and soulful as Billy Corgan is, you wouldn’t want to run into this fucking walking albino Q-Tip in a dark alley.

Pinback – such a gay sounding voice from this buff lead singer. You would think at night, he sleeps on those guaze/cotton pads that they pin butterflies to. Gay name. Songs about drowning fish are gay as hell too, but so unquantifiably dope.

Wu Tang Clan – my favorite hip hop group is also the gayest group. Yeah I know Wu Tang Clan. They live in Monterey Park, drive a Lexus, tell corny jokes, eat Banh Mi’ sandwiches and their breath has the constant smell of fish sauce.

Pearl Jam – This is a supergay compound word for semen. It’s like jizzmilkysauce.

Skid Row – how bout that song “I Remember You.” Fuck, you guys are rock stars. Don’t sing about shit that’s about love (that I’ll like), sing about bats and goat blood. Stay true to your name.

Nickelback – fuck em. I hate that guy's badass with a heart, goatee'd attidude. I wonder how many rattlesnakes die each year to provide him with cowboy boots. By the way, what’s up with all this....

Pennywise – coinage?

Bright Eyes – how can you call this guy bright eyes? He’s the most pessimistic artist on this list. He makes the Grim Reaper cry.

Savage Garden – I just flew in from New York. And boy are my arms tired. Ha! Don’t call me, I’ll call you. God, my brother and I started a fight with a family when we went camping in Alaska because of this fucking band (I shit you not). I want to fucking kill them. All I really need is for George Bush to sing lead, then it’ll be worth it.

Led Zeppelin – I was very ambivalent to the Euro-centric curriculum in my high school so I don’t know what the meaning is behind this name. But when I saw “led” I was like, “wait, it’s not los, la, el, or los lobos. This ain’t Chicano! Fuck that! I was raised Mexican, so whatever.

My Chemical Romance – I like to self loathe sometimes also, but I’m not going to name myself, “Hug Me, I’m Lonely”

Oingo Boingo – It would’ve been gayer, but “Dead Man’s Party” scared the shit out of me when I was 7-9 years old. Still gives me the heebie geebies.

Burning Spear – not only gay, but unprotected and irresponsibly gay.

Puddle of Mudd – how diarrhea is that? And just because you wear a beanie, it doesn’t mean you’re tough. You fucking Silent Bob loving bitch!

Jane’s Addiction – many people say this is dope, but this is pretty gay. Mostly gay because the girl I know that used to love this band always wore, everyday, a bomber jacket with lipstick stains and stray ballpoint pen marks all over it.

Toad the Wet Sprocket – gayer but I like them because I joined their fan club in junior high and they always sent me stuff.

Band of Horses – even their voices are gay. Horses are the gayest animals in the animal queendom. I fucking hate horses with their muscular physique and human-like hair. Fuck them. They should focus on their teeth before they trot around showing off their muscular, division 1 soccer legs.

Metallica – is this an Urban Decay lipstick color? Know what’s geigher? Me knowing Urban Decay. I swear, sometimes I’m actually interested in hearing what women have to say, even after getting in their pantalones.

Hoobastank – are they from Orange County? Or like the valley? What kind of name is that? Hoobastank is probably how I would describe the smell of a decomposing octopus.

Snow Patrol – god, I never should’ve even given them a chance. Their music is gay, their sound is gay, their name is gay. This is the gateway drug to “indie” rock. I slang coke, this is like a bottle of Boone’s Strawberry Farm.

Jamiroquai – I hate this name. I know he’s trying to sound like a country in Africa, but he really sounds like the land where the dog from “The Neverending Story” would be from.

Eazy-E – considering he died from AIDS, he stayed true to his name.

Boyz II Men – I love how these guys just opened up the floodgates and allowed Black artists to be “street” and sensitive at the same time. And I loved the chubby Mike Tyson soprano guy that always squinted his eyes when he got real emotive. He was gay all along, he just stared at women’s breasts all day because his neck would get stiff from looking up all the time. Go shorty, it’s your birthday.

Bush – Blake’s favorite. I really liked it, but I fucking hated it because I didn’t think of it first. So bugger off, Blake. And Blake has the unfair advantage of having her mind constantly in the gutter.

Pink Floyd – honestly, the real reason I hate Classic Rock is because I heard this band’s name before I heard the entire genre of music. And this is super gay. And when you see homeless bums or crackheads or homeless drunks and ask them what kind of music they listen to, I bet 99.9999% of them would answer “Classic Rock.” Know what I listen to? I listen to underground hip hop, homie. Homie as in friend, not homie as in hahah, you don’t have a home.

Kid n’ Play – they made everyone so envious of their free spiritedness and dance moves that it compelled a nation of urban youth to wear clown clothes. And you always wondered if Kid was half white or he just had peanut butter complexion.

Finally, just some random sections.

GAY ANIMAL NAMES
The Eagles
Minus the Bear
Le Tigre
Arctic Monkeys
The Beatles
Flock of Seagulls
Eek a Mouse
Def Leopard
Gorillaz
Whitesnake
Ratt

THESE BANDS ARE THEORETICALLY GAY, BUT MANAGE TO COMBINE TWO GAY ENTITIES AND FORM LIKE AN ARNOLD SCHWARZELLWEGGER VULTRON
Flaming Lips
Bikini Kill
Queens of the Stone Age

BADASS AND GAY IN ONE NAME – Blake, you’re a genius
“Death Cab”-Badass, “For Cutie”- Gay
“Bone Thugs”- Badass, “n’ Harmony”- Gay
“Gang”- Badass, “Starr”-Gay
“Guns”-badass, n’Roses”- Gay
“Violent”- Badass, “Femmes” – Gay
“cold” play” - necrophilia (hint, that means fucking dead people...actually kinda badass)
“Wolf”- Badass, “parade” – Gay (same with Wolfmother)

FINALLY, THIS IS THE BAZOOKA JOE BADASS LIST (surprisingly gay, also)
Dead Prez – they are badass, and they talk about beating up white people. That’s racist and ignorant, but fuck, sometimes we minority folks do get discriminated against, so fuck it!

Cat Power – if they were a bunch of mullet rocking hipsters than it’d be gay. But a lunatic bitch? Bad ass.

Mobb Deep – sure, they misspelled Mobb but I really don’t think they did it on purpose.

The Escape Club – it reminds me of a sandwich, and the bacon is just fucking tired and fed up and wants to go home and sleep

Saves the Day – shit,I like it. Sorry.

Cold War Kids - in the race for governor, Reagan ran on the platform that his opponent was a socialist; and was able to convince the public of it.

Rolling Stones – I love that whole analogy. Every man should live their life that way.

Blackalicious - It’s like naming yourself Luther. Like, you’d totally allow him to rest his penis on your head while he tells you about how he made eye contact with the girl that works at Foot Locker (and how he’s going to use her for the friends and family discount).

The Carpenters – like, if you went to their apartments you’d think they all have their own bars in there; with shotglasses in the shape of cowboy boots and a brandy glass full of matches from various nightclubs.

The New Pornographers - but Porno for Pyros is super gay

Groove Theory – it’s smooth, if the ocean was made of pudding, this would be it. You hear the band’s name, and you automatically know what you’re in for.

Kings of Convenience – this band is super chill. Like you can have a bunch of people make a mess at their apartment, and they’re like “ah nah..don’t even worry about it. Go home, I’ll clean.”

Digable Planets – no matter how cool their music was, their name was always better.

Handsome Boy Modeling School – Blake said it was gay, I like this name, though. It makes me want to get hair transplants on my armpits to increase my number of pheromones.

Tiger Army – I just love how their fur is so orange, it reminds me of an orange with fangs that will make your pants cry

Sneaker Pimps – I have no idea what the chick looks like, but her voice sounds like Jessica Alba, and I’m sure she'll look more like Jessica Yoda.

Alice In Chains – I would think that they take annual trips to stonehenge just so they can drink Jagermeister and draw pictures of what Death would look like.

The Decemberists – why couldn’t I have been born in December?

The Conscious Daughters – remember them? They were a gangsta rap duo and they sounded like men. Definitely bad ass. That must be what Luther sounds like.

And You Will Know Us By the Trail of the Dead – Worth every time I had to hit shift to capitalize that name

Iron and Wine – Gay, dominatrix sounding prison band..but you know what??? You can lock me up and throw away the key!

Arcade Fire – two obscure words, but somehow defuncts everything I mentioned before because they are the Bravehearts of music. EPIC!

A Tribe Called Quest – It’s flawless. I challenge anyone to top this.