Hey All,
So a few people have asked me to put together a little slow jam, neo soul, R&B compilation and so here it is. And of course I’m going to throw down some background info for each track and all that jazz. Well, growing up I was always down with gangsta rap and what not. Then I made some friends and they started getting into girls. Me, being all fat and shy and dorky and different, made it a lot more challenging for me to go around “knocking the keds” with girlies in the playground. Well, that frustrated the hell out of me....like, “hey man, why are you listening to this now? What? What is Boyz II Men? Why do they spell it like that.” Well, I was soon privy to the fact that they weren’t just developing crushes, they were actually doing stuff about it...like holding hands and crap. I remember wishing that we could just go back to playing football on the streets or riding our bikes around and not have me get left behind.
Well, I did. And for years I had to experience it vicariously, stuck as the platonic “brotherly” type while my friends were like rubbing girls’ crotches and feeling boobies and stuff. I had no choice but to listen to the slow jams but then I started to really enjoy the music. Soon enough, I swore to everyone within earshot, “I swear. When I get a girl I’m going to treat her like a queen, because women are royalty. I’ll open doors for them and I’ll talk to them on the phone for hours because I’m so fascinated with them.” So as you would imagine, I was super stoked when I finally landed my first kiss at the old, stale age of 15 (that’s crazy long, huh?). Well the girl ended up using me to get back at her boyfriend (she was 18) and she ate my heart up, El Nino style. With expectations and preconceived notions of what love was supposed to be, I built a monolith.
Then fast forward to 19, driving back from Vegas with Roy and he throws in this CD of an artist called Jazzyfatnastees. Exiting the 605, finding out that our good friend passed away the Friday of, winning the heart of a girl that I would date for a number of years on the Saturday, and getting introduced to what they would later call “Neo Soul” on that Sunday.
Looking back I think I actuall had it best, involuntarily delaying this emotional gratification for the sake of clarity. Now, they both have kids, are fat, lost their edge that made them so desirable in junior high and live in the suburbs. In comparison, I am now very grateful that my weekends are spent with amazing friends and attainable women. And sometimes, when the craigslist “erotic services” price is right, I actually get to feel boobies and stuff, too.
Well, here it is....a collector’s plate of failures and accomplishments, accompanied by an SUV of frustrations.
“Promise” - Jagged Edge
I chose this song because I feel that Jagged Edge were the last of the bonafide, R&B groups. At the time of their arrival, the industry was saturated with songs talking bout “Playa, you done cheated on me, now I’m going to max out your credit card on some Donna Karen.” This was the light at the end of the tunnel, to offer a glimmer of hope until Neo Soul came into my life...
“Breakthrough” - Jazzyfatnastees
....and just fuck it all up! Wow, I discover a genre of music that is reminded me of the glory days. I remember it clearly. Roy said, “This song kinda reminds me of En Vogue.” I rarely like something the first time I hear it; and when I do it’s not too long before it grows tired. I heard this song and I knew my schema of music was going to change forever. I swear if I were to ever get married I’d have them sing at my wedding. (check your inboxes if I ever do...evites, yo)
“I’m Still In Love with You” - New Edition
This is the Wu-Tang Clan of R&B. When they came back, I had no doubt that they would pull off a stunner like this. This song is great. Why can’t we talk about love anymore? When we do, it’s like in an aggressive way; fuck, can we still get our hearts pumping and exploding and still be men? God, you listen to this song and like it or not, someone will definitely come to mind. Listen to it now. Who is it? It’s weird, the heart. Because it really just pumps blood and wasn’t really anything until the Incans made it what it is. Well, you hear this song, and though you feel it in your head, but you also feel that shit in your heart. My friend Trung would always change the first few lines to go, “Your friends got you DRINKING and it’s affecting you.”
“Charlene” - Anthony Hamilton
Saddest song on the list. God, Anthony Hamilton just blew my mind when he first came on the scene. See how many times I’ve used “God?” Maybe that’s why it’s called Neo Soul. Because these songs are so laden with memories and stuff. God might not have been Black, but he must have had some killer sideburns.
“I Want to Be Your Man” - Zapp & Roger
This is the song you play when you’re getting ready for your second date. I mean date like hiking, not date like going to a bar and getting drunk in hopes that she’ll bone you. This is the song you play after a great first date and you’re trying to pump yourself up but at the same time not screw it all up because you actually really like this girl. By the way, a first date that ends in hope is a lot better than a first date that ends in intimacy.
“Even Closer” - Goapele
Baby making music. That’s it.
“Purple” - Crustation
Again. No comment here. Just another song to play for those instances where you are just trying to fornicate.
“Till You Do Me Right” - After 7
I really had to throw this in there. I think I dedicated this to the countless women that have cheated on me. And in turn, it’s been dedicated to me a few times also. Funny how you console a friend that just got out of a relationship; it’s always what the other person did wrong, huh?
“Slow Dance” - John Legend
John Legend is great. Can’t you just picture yourself dancing to this song? Socks sliding across the linoleum. Hips rocking in perfect unison; the way ducks’ butts sway with the moving tide.
“Just Friends” - Musiq Soulchild
This is just a great, smooth, playful song. I like this song because it’s just like, “whatever baby...let’s just have fun with each other.” He could put me in the seat of a used Chrysler LeBaron with bullet holes in the door and I’ll be like, “SOLD!”
“So Good” - Davina
Another baby making song. Including this one because Roy and I promoted her album..I think it was in conjunction with Chico DeBarge and Erykah Badu’s album release party at the Key Club? Es verdad? Either way, she never got big, at all; but she still remains relevant. Little Brother even refers to this song (big props to anyone that can figure it out).
“You’re Gonna Leave” - Stephen Marley
I picked this song because it shows the dark side of women also. Ever watch Casino? No matter how successful or smart or wise you are, a man’s greatest weakness is a confident women. Fucking nuts. A way to his man’s heart is through his stomach? Nah, it’s through his Achilles' heel. Trip me all you want, with your luscious bad self.
Women, I love you all. Sleep with me. Ok, print this out and spray some Eternity cologne on it.
Now will you?
-- Sonnyred
http://www.box.net/shared/kxjv7k81sb
Please let me know what you think
Friday, August 31, 2007
"25 Years" - The Go Find
Hello All,
So there’s this real gay point in the song, where he says, “you know..I know....go. I know...you know...go.” That’s really dumb and it didn’t add to the song and it wastes like 2 seconds of my life every time I listen to it.
But you know, the melody and mood is so undeniable. I really enjoy this band, perhaps one of my favorites simply for the mood they evoke. It just seems like there are a lot of things that need to surface in the singer’s relationship. But then the more I listen to it the more I think it’s the singer really just having a conversation with himself, trying to rationalize and make sense of his predicament. You know, some say there are three main things that need to take place in a man’s life in order for him to really just develop and find his soul:
See the world through chlorinated eyes this weekend.
-- Sonnyred
http://www.box.net/shared/pjcdbp86yl
So there’s this real gay point in the song, where he says, “you know..I know....go. I know...you know...go.” That’s really dumb and it didn’t add to the song and it wastes like 2 seconds of my life every time I listen to it.
But you know, the melody and mood is so undeniable. I really enjoy this band, perhaps one of my favorites simply for the mood they evoke. It just seems like there are a lot of things that need to surface in the singer’s relationship. But then the more I listen to it the more I think it’s the singer really just having a conversation with himself, trying to rationalize and make sense of his predicament. You know, some say there are three main things that need to take place in a man’s life in order for him to really just develop and find his soul:
- Not getting the job you had hoped for.
- I forget what the second one was. I was reading it when I was inebriated. Why do I do that? Do I really gain anything from it? Hell yeah I do, it’s internalized and subconscious.
- Having a long term relationship end (with her dumping you).
See the world through chlorinated eyes this weekend.
-- Sonnyred
http://www.box.net/shared/pjcdbp86yl
Thursday, August 30, 2007
"More Like the Moon" - Wilco
Dinner Conversation with Meghan, Heidi and Dan
Setting: Juniors (Jewish Deli) in Westwood
Me: Here’s what I was I thinking. You know, like, I’ve been playing around with evite for the past two days and stuff and I was thinking of how practical they are how they work effectively and pretty much get the job done, right?. Well, here’s what I was thinking. Because you know, it’d be good to save money, it’s less wasteful, it really gets the job done and it’s very efficient.
Them: What were you thinking?
Me: If the time came........I’d use evite for my...
Me: Wedding invitations!!!
I’m just glad I ran it by them first. (But not as glad as I was to have ordered the potato pancakes).
-- Sonnyred
http://www.box.net/shared/2m7mqdnk09
Setting: Juniors (Jewish Deli) in Westwood
Me: Here’s what I was I thinking. You know, like, I’ve been playing around with evite for the past two days and stuff and I was thinking of how practical they are how they work effectively and pretty much get the job done, right?. Well, here’s what I was thinking. Because you know, it’d be good to save money, it’s less wasteful, it really gets the job done and it’s very efficient.
Them: What were you thinking?
Me: If the time came........I’d use evite for my...
Me: Wedding invitations!!!
I’m just glad I ran it by them first. (But not as glad as I was to have ordered the potato pancakes).
-- Sonnyred
http://www.box.net/shared/2m7mqdnk09
Friday, August 24, 2007
Why Surfing Is So Great
Surfing is spiritually fulfilling and physically gratifying..yaddy yaddy bullshit.
But when you look at life and stuff....let’s take sex for example. It feels good, right? Well, it kinda has to, for the sake of civilization. If sex felt like getting your eye poked everytime, then people would stop boning down and humans will die off because it just wouldn’t be worth it. So, it feels good for a reason.
Let’s take another example, eating. Eating is delicious and yummy licious (lord, I’m high) and stuff, right? But eating has to be good and rewarding because it serves a biological need and fulfills a biological instinct. In this case, the biological instinct happens to be “shit, I think I wanna live.” So eating is not only yummyrificus, it’s also necessary.
But now you have surfing. What the fuck does surfing do, that deals with human survival? Millions of people never surf and they will never know what it’s like and their lawns will be green and their lives fulfilled, right? But you have to ask yourself, “how the fuck did the powers that be decide to make ‘standing on a plank in the the middle of the fucking ocean’ feel so fucking great?” Ggggggggooood lord it feels GRRRRReat!
And you know, Alexa, you learn how to surf, I tell you. Because it’s fucking amazing and soulful and humbling. It’s fucking great, it’s a rush, and (let’s admit) it’s fucking cool as shit. How many people get to say it? Whenever I’m in need of a pick-me-up, all I have to do is close my eyes and think about my first wave....
I had a pretty rough, busy Friday at work. I kinda, sorta was about to “shoot down the line” for the first time. Well, I drove up to Topanga after work, and I was out on my board and the water was as still as night. I sat on my board and witnessed the sun setting over the mountains. I’m on a fucking board in the middle of the ocean with the golden, California sun nestling between the mountain peaks! I had a conversation with the ocean. It was gouda but I said, “Hey. Thank you Pacific Ocean for letting me be here. I really needed you today and you feel real good to me and my soul. You know, I’ve been sitting here for 45 minutes now and haven’t been able to catch a wave (at all). So, I mean, hey, like, if you want...you know, maybe you can throw me a bone. If you would be so kind, could you just give me one wave and I swear I’ll paddle hard and deep. I swear I’ll try real hard and keep my balance. But I mean, hey, fuck it, if you can’t or don’t want to, it’s all good, I’m just grateful to be here. For real....thanks for just letting me bask in your wonder and might.” I waited 5 minutes, a wave came. Only about waist high, but I paddled. I got on it and shot down the line and all I could think about was that flash of time; what with the water behind me, rumbling like a bee....leaving the chaos of the world behind...while ahead of me, you just hear this hissing sound....tsssst tssssssst tssssssst psssssssttttt.....like mosquitos dancing along the surface of a pond. That is what tranquility sounds like. Like a fucking mosquito.
But when you look at life and stuff....let’s take sex for example. It feels good, right? Well, it kinda has to, for the sake of civilization. If sex felt like getting your eye poked everytime, then people would stop boning down and humans will die off because it just wouldn’t be worth it. So, it feels good for a reason.
Let’s take another example, eating. Eating is delicious and yummy licious (lord, I’m high) and stuff, right? But eating has to be good and rewarding because it serves a biological need and fulfills a biological instinct. In this case, the biological instinct happens to be “shit, I think I wanna live.” So eating is not only yummyrificus, it’s also necessary.
But now you have surfing. What the fuck does surfing do, that deals with human survival? Millions of people never surf and they will never know what it’s like and their lawns will be green and their lives fulfilled, right? But you have to ask yourself, “how the fuck did the powers that be decide to make ‘standing on a plank in the the middle of the fucking ocean’ feel so fucking great?” Ggggggggooood lord it feels GRRRRReat!
And you know, Alexa, you learn how to surf, I tell you. Because it’s fucking amazing and soulful and humbling. It’s fucking great, it’s a rush, and (let’s admit) it’s fucking cool as shit. How many people get to say it? Whenever I’m in need of a pick-me-up, all I have to do is close my eyes and think about my first wave....
I had a pretty rough, busy Friday at work. I kinda, sorta was about to “shoot down the line” for the first time. Well, I drove up to Topanga after work, and I was out on my board and the water was as still as night. I sat on my board and witnessed the sun setting over the mountains. I’m on a fucking board in the middle of the ocean with the golden, California sun nestling between the mountain peaks! I had a conversation with the ocean. It was gouda but I said, “Hey. Thank you Pacific Ocean for letting me be here. I really needed you today and you feel real good to me and my soul. You know, I’ve been sitting here for 45 minutes now and haven’t been able to catch a wave (at all). So, I mean, hey, like, if you want...you know, maybe you can throw me a bone. If you would be so kind, could you just give me one wave and I swear I’ll paddle hard and deep. I swear I’ll try real hard and keep my balance. But I mean, hey, fuck it, if you can’t or don’t want to, it’s all good, I’m just grateful to be here. For real....thanks for just letting me bask in your wonder and might.” I waited 5 minutes, a wave came. Only about waist high, but I paddled. I got on it and shot down the line and all I could think about was that flash of time; what with the water behind me, rumbling like a bee....leaving the chaos of the world behind...while ahead of me, you just hear this hissing sound....tsssst tssssssst tssssssst psssssssttttt.....like mosquitos dancing along the surface of a pond. That is what tranquility sounds like. Like a fucking mosquito.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
"Imagine" - Jack Johnson
Hello All,
Fuck, I forgot who it was that I recently discovered hated Jack Johnson. Yeah, his music is very simple, but it’s intentionally simple. So, to justify myself, here’s how I determine if songs are going to get sent out:
Is it meant to make people dance or just go all out? Fine then. Is it meant to be all deep and introspective but really comes off like the emo shit I was super in love with 7 years ago? Whine then.
Well, hopefully that offers some insight into my evaluation process. I want to send songs that will polarize opinions. Screw that. Jack Johnson, though simple musically is actually pretty hefty with his message. Once you get past the Red Lobster guitaring, you get either an aspiring landscape to escape to or some little gems of thought starters. I really started to respect him when I heard the Handsome Boy Modeling School track of “Breakdown.” The whole song is dope, talking about slowing down. But the line that really got me was, “time is just a melody.” Hearing that really struck an emotional chord in me and offered a perspective on how time really is nothing more than a social construct. Does anyone even dare walk down that path of conversation with me? Other than Go? Ha!
Schmue colors...peace out!
-- Sonnyred
http://www.box.net/shared/cbuspe5b32
Fuck, I forgot who it was that I recently discovered hated Jack Johnson. Yeah, his music is very simple, but it’s intentionally simple. So, to justify myself, here’s how I determine if songs are going to get sent out:
- Do I like it? No? Peace out!
- BUT.....Is it a good song anyway? This one gets tricky. It’s based on (in order of importance): melody, lyrics, originality, genuine-ness.
- Then it goes through a triple filtration process: 1) will it buy me any favors with the girls on the list? If it’ll convince them that I’m inhabitable or if it’ll lead to them subtly falling in love with me then having it come out when we’re all drunk, then yesiree Bob! We’ll worry about the whole me really “being an asshole once you really get to know me” later. True colors, schmue colors. 2) will most of the people on this list like it (I am socialist minded, mind you). 3) does it really matter what other people think? I mean, growing up, my MY BUDDY DOLL never told me about his feelings and opinions on music, so peace out!
Is it meant to make people dance or just go all out? Fine then. Is it meant to be all deep and introspective but really comes off like the emo shit I was super in love with 7 years ago? Whine then.
Well, hopefully that offers some insight into my evaluation process. I want to send songs that will polarize opinions. Screw that. Jack Johnson, though simple musically is actually pretty hefty with his message. Once you get past the Red Lobster guitaring, you get either an aspiring landscape to escape to or some little gems of thought starters. I really started to respect him when I heard the Handsome Boy Modeling School track of “Breakdown.” The whole song is dope, talking about slowing down. But the line that really got me was, “time is just a melody.” Hearing that really struck an emotional chord in me and offered a perspective on how time really is nothing more than a social construct. Does anyone even dare walk down that path of conversation with me? Other than Go? Ha!
Schmue colors...peace out!
-- Sonnyred
http://www.box.net/shared/cbuspe5b32
Tuesday, August 21, 2007
"Faded From the Winter" - Iron and Wine
Hello All,
Hope you all had a good weekend; I stepped on a shark twice on Sunday, but I think I showed that fucker who’s boss (considering the fact that I squirmed like a little girl, cleary he was boss). Well, I’m dumping the few remaining 5 star rated songs from Iron and Wine for you because I really like them and I lost Roy’s DVD of new music (sorry Roy, hook it up again, please) and I heard this song all over again a few days ago and it really just knocked me on my ass.
His voice – so soothing. If you are ever in New York, in the middle of summer, he’ll be the Vick’s Vaporub that you apply to your belly button to keep cool.
His guitar – you can just “tell” that this song isn’t over-produced. Wait till you get to the 1:00 mark and you hear the guitar take you higher than ever before. It’s like he’s building and building, and his singing remains on the horizon like a boat, while his guitar picking lifts you up like you’re parasailing, further distinguishing what’s real from what’s abstract.
Oh listen to it on that 1:00 mark I tell you. A producer would probably tell him to break into a chorus or but nope, Sam just goes to town and builds up a small climax for the song. Little tidbits like this convince me that the singer is virtuous in his feelings and isn’t too concerned with making marketable music. The lyrics are poetry...even if you don’t like it, or you’re not as cheesy as me, damn....you can’t deny the imagery and world that Sam creates for his fans. And it’s the outright cries that make emo, emo or other commercial music successful. But Sam really uses more ambiguous ways to convey his feelings. It’s the sense of quiet desperation that separates him from the more obvious, surface-level romantics.
Enjoy,
-- Sonnyred
(wow, to think I actually wrote about the song today)
http://www.box.net/shared/zydn06lndl
FADED FROM THE WINTER
daddy's ghost behind you
sleeping dog beside you
you're a poem of mystery
you're the prayer inside me
spoken words like moonlight
you're the voice that i like
needlework & seedlings
in the way you're walking
to me from the timbers
faded from the winter
Hope you all had a good weekend; I stepped on a shark twice on Sunday, but I think I showed that fucker who’s boss (considering the fact that I squirmed like a little girl, cleary he was boss). Well, I’m dumping the few remaining 5 star rated songs from Iron and Wine for you because I really like them and I lost Roy’s DVD of new music (sorry Roy, hook it up again, please) and I heard this song all over again a few days ago and it really just knocked me on my ass.
His voice – so soothing. If you are ever in New York, in the middle of summer, he’ll be the Vick’s Vaporub that you apply to your belly button to keep cool.
His guitar – you can just “tell” that this song isn’t over-produced. Wait till you get to the 1:00 mark and you hear the guitar take you higher than ever before. It’s like he’s building and building, and his singing remains on the horizon like a boat, while his guitar picking lifts you up like you’re parasailing, further distinguishing what’s real from what’s abstract.
Oh listen to it on that 1:00 mark I tell you. A producer would probably tell him to break into a chorus or but nope, Sam just goes to town and builds up a small climax for the song. Little tidbits like this convince me that the singer is virtuous in his feelings and isn’t too concerned with making marketable music. The lyrics are poetry...even if you don’t like it, or you’re not as cheesy as me, damn....you can’t deny the imagery and world that Sam creates for his fans. And it’s the outright cries that make emo, emo or other commercial music successful. But Sam really uses more ambiguous ways to convey his feelings. It’s the sense of quiet desperation that separates him from the more obvious, surface-level romantics.
Enjoy,
-- Sonnyred
(wow, to think I actually wrote about the song today)
http://www.box.net/shared/zydn06lndl
FADED FROM THE WINTER
daddy's ghost behind you
sleeping dog beside you
you're a poem of mystery
you're the prayer inside me
spoken words like moonlight
you're the voice that i like
needlework & seedlings
in the way you're walking
to me from the timbers
faded from the winter
Monday, August 20, 2007
The Gayest Band Names Ever
Ok guys. I think this is complete, but for real, I’m not going to put that much time into it, I’m just going to spit it out. I took everyone’s recommendations into consideration and just used my self-righteousness to disregard ones I didn’t agree with. It’s a slow day at work and a beautiful day at the beach.
Rules
It has to be unintentional. Barenaked Ladies or Butthole Surfers don’t work.
It has to be a recognizable band or I had to have sent them out before.
Blake is a fucking bitch for making the list that much better by segmenting it (I love you, seriously)
Auto-gay-dom – of course there are exceptions
The ______ - automatically gay, but there are exceptions
Misspelling your name, no excuses
The ____ ______ - combining two random words that don’t really make sense
______ and the ________ - for real? Go sprinkle rat poison in your eye and go fuck yourself.
Any combination of words and numbers (Sum 41, Blink 182, U2, 98 Degrees, Jurassic 5)
The name of an animal.
Ranked, in order from Hay to What Gay Horses Eat (Hey!!!!!) - and they should be ranked by name alone, but some things you can’t ignore..so there’s a boatload of subjectivity to it. I tend to hate sarcasm, tongue in cheek names.
Belle and Sebastian – reminds me of two shetland ponies gnawing on grass. See how gay they are? They just made me use the word gnawing.
The Get Up Kids – there was a time when I thought emo band names were cool, but then I’m a fucking 28 year old man now. MAN, not child (you got that, WOMAN?)
Jimmy Eat World – when I first heard of them, I thought of the video game Earthworm Jim. So I thought they were intergalactic penises.
Dashboard Confessional – seen that dude's eyebrows? So fucking thick and burrowed. If those shits caught on fire, it’d be able to evacuate an 8 unit apartment building.
Dogs Die In Hot Cars – I really hate sarcasm in band names. They spell cool like kewl.
Explosions in the Sky – it makes me think of extreme diarrhea (Katie, yes I love toilet humor)
Panic! at the Disco – I hate any type of punctuation in band names. Know how it fucks shit up when you’re trying to download it on Limewire?
Say Hi to Your Mom – You just want to punch this guy in the face. This jerk shops at Hollister and wears those gay ass seashell necklaces and hemp bracelets.
Architecture in Helsinki – admittedly, the band name fits their music (it makes absolutely no sense)
The Whitest Boy Alive – this is the equivalent of a tshirt that reads, “I’m big in Japan.”
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – most people would initially think, “that’s a fun name. they seem like a fun band.” then you hear the guy’s whiny voice and you automatically think he has 4 gerbils in his ass.
Morningwood – very gay, but the lead’s voice is pretty sexy...she’d give Martina Navratilova a boner (even gayer was that Navratilova is fucking saved on spellcheck...fucking spellcheck!!! And muthafucking even “spellcheck” isn’t on spellcheck. That’s so gay I want to go to a Turkish bath house and drown in ecstacy...I’m so fucking mad)
Sparklehorse – sarcastic, gay name. This dummy uses Pantene Pro-V.
Nice & Smooth – these old school rappers think they’ll get laid with a name like that, I bet they groom their mustaches
LL Cool J – how many times can you lick your lips in an interview?
Good Charlotte – isn’t this guy dating Hillary Duff or something? I fucking hate them and won’t hesitate to smear their mascara with battery acid if I were to ever see them..presumably at the Teen’s Choice Awards...or 99% of the Southbay population’s iPOD playlist)
The Go Team – so many top-shelf girls love Go; and it drives me crazy. I only hang out with him to collect DNA samples and stem cell that shit to improve my game. Go is the Japanese LL Cool J. But I bet he licks other lips more often than his own.
TV On the Radio – know what’s even more ironic than the name? The fact that Black dudes from Brooklyn are making the best fucking music the rock scene has witnessed in the past 10 years.
Counting Crows – might as well name yourself “watching paint dry” or “watermelon seed spitting contest.” The act of counting crows must be real boring. Oh I know the perfect boring name, call yourself “texas hold em”
Oasis – I think this is considered to be British humor.
Air – You know, I think this name has bit of arrogance to it; but I kinda like it. This is me being “considerate” of other people’s deep engagements with their thoughts and their contributions.
Augustana – what is this shit? I was born in August and first I got fucked with being born in the only month without having a national holiday. Now my month sounds like a city in Georgia? What the fuck! At last make it a Blue state. I want to go punch a 12 year old girl now.
Kasabian – this must be the gay looking, bald Armenian guy that walks around Hollywood clubs with his Monarchy tshirt, gold chain, and Hennessey and Coke. Then does laps around the club in his white Ford Mustang or BMW 318 afterwards.
Aqualung – the gayest superhero ever was Aquaman. And I don’t care how happy-go-lucky he is, Vincent Chase is a douche. I want his life.
Interpol – remember that classic arcade game, Pole Position? I always thought there was something gay about it. Then my poor, ignant ass never knew Interpol was like the European police. If someone told me that Interpol was looking for me, I would think they would try to apprehend me on shetland ponies (named Belle and Sebastian).
Stellastar – haven’t we learned from Starship?
Wham – George Michael shaking his butt, with those close up shots really could’ve been dangerous while I was developing my sexual identity. Thank lord for Vanna White and Kelly Bundy.
Marvin Gaye – He was so smooth, he was just burdened with a gay name. Might as well have been born Marvin Lovesvegetablesuphisanoos
Mr Mister – how much more must he convince himself and the world that he’s not gay? Repetition can be a sign of uncertainty. Mr. Tribal Tattoo. It’s like those manly men that spend all day watching UFC, cage fighting or Football. Really, when you think about it, you’re watching a bunch of dudes touch each other. I’d rather go watch Maria Sharapova model adidas clothes at The Home Depot center with Roy, anyday.
Ditty Bops – shut up, dumb girls. That’s not cute.
Fall Out Boy – god, I hope these guys get pants'd on stage one day
Gin Blossoms – the early-mid 90s brought an onslaught of gay names that tried to sound all eclectic..
Stone Temple Pilots – like them
Smashing Pumpkins – and as dope and soulful as Billy Corgan is, you wouldn’t want to run into this fucking walking albino Q-Tip in a dark alley.
Pinback – such a gay sounding voice from this buff lead singer. You would think at night, he sleeps on those guaze/cotton pads that they pin butterflies to. Gay name. Songs about drowning fish are gay as hell too, but so unquantifiably dope.
Wu Tang Clan – my favorite hip hop group is also the gayest group. Yeah I know Wu Tang Clan. They live in Monterey Park, drive a Lexus, tell corny jokes, eat Banh Mi’ sandwiches and their breath has the constant smell of fish sauce.
Pearl Jam – This is a supergay compound word for semen. It’s like jizzmilkysauce.
Skid Row – how bout that song “I Remember You.” Fuck, you guys are rock stars. Don’t sing about shit that’s about love (that I’ll like), sing about bats and goat blood. Stay true to your name.
Nickelback – fuck em. I hate that guy's badass with a heart, goatee'd attidude. I wonder how many rattlesnakes die each year to provide him with cowboy boots. By the way, what’s up with all this....
Pennywise – coinage?
Bright Eyes – how can you call this guy bright eyes? He’s the most pessimistic artist on this list. He makes the Grim Reaper cry.
Savage Garden – I just flew in from New York. And boy are my arms tired. Ha! Don’t call me, I’ll call you. God, my brother and I started a fight with a family when we went camping in Alaska because of this fucking band (I shit you not). I want to fucking kill them. All I really need is for George Bush to sing lead, then it’ll be worth it.
Led Zeppelin – I was very ambivalent to the Euro-centric curriculum in my high school so I don’t know what the meaning is behind this name. But when I saw “led” I was like, “wait, it’s not los, la, el, or los lobos. This ain’t Chicano! Fuck that! I was raised Mexican, so whatever.
My Chemical Romance – I like to self loathe sometimes also, but I’m not going to name myself, “Hug Me, I’m Lonely”
Oingo Boingo – It would’ve been gayer, but “Dead Man’s Party” scared the shit out of me when I was 7-9 years old. Still gives me the heebie geebies.
Burning Spear – not only gay, but unprotected and irresponsibly gay.
Puddle of Mudd – how diarrhea is that? And just because you wear a beanie, it doesn’t mean you’re tough. You fucking Silent Bob loving bitch!
Jane’s Addiction – many people say this is dope, but this is pretty gay. Mostly gay because the girl I know that used to love this band always wore, everyday, a bomber jacket with lipstick stains and stray ballpoint pen marks all over it.
Toad the Wet Sprocket – gayer but I like them because I joined their fan club in junior high and they always sent me stuff.
Band of Horses – even their voices are gay. Horses are the gayest animals in the animal queendom. I fucking hate horses with their muscular physique and human-like hair. Fuck them. They should focus on their teeth before they trot around showing off their muscular, division 1 soccer legs.
Metallica – is this an Urban Decay lipstick color? Know what’s geigher? Me knowing Urban Decay. I swear, sometimes I’m actually interested in hearing what women have to say, even after getting in their pantalones.
Hoobastank – are they from Orange County? Or like the valley? What kind of name is that? Hoobastank is probably how I would describe the smell of a decomposing octopus.
Snow Patrol – god, I never should’ve even given them a chance. Their music is gay, their sound is gay, their name is gay. This is the gateway drug to “indie” rock. I slang coke, this is like a bottle of Boone’s Strawberry Farm.
Jamiroquai – I hate this name. I know he’s trying to sound like a country in Africa, but he really sounds like the land where the dog from “The Neverending Story” would be from.
Eazy-E – considering he died from AIDS, he stayed true to his name.
Boyz II Men – I love how these guys just opened up the floodgates and allowed Black artists to be “street” and sensitive at the same time. And I loved the chubby Mike Tyson soprano guy that always squinted his eyes when he got real emotive. He was gay all along, he just stared at women’s breasts all day because his neck would get stiff from looking up all the time. Go shorty, it’s your birthday.
Bush – Blake’s favorite. I really liked it, but I fucking hated it because I didn’t think of it first. So bugger off, Blake. And Blake has the unfair advantage of having her mind constantly in the gutter.
Pink Floyd – honestly, the real reason I hate Classic Rock is because I heard this band’s name before I heard the entire genre of music. And this is super gay. And when you see homeless bums or crackheads or homeless drunks and ask them what kind of music they listen to, I bet 99.9999% of them would answer “Classic Rock.” Know what I listen to? I listen to underground hip hop, homie. Homie as in friend, not homie as in hahah, you don’t have a home.
Kid n’ Play – they made everyone so envious of their free spiritedness and dance moves that it compelled a nation of urban youth to wear clown clothes. And you always wondered if Kid was half white or he just had peanut butter complexion.
Finally, just some random sections.
GAY ANIMAL NAMES
The Eagles
Minus the Bear
Le Tigre
Arctic Monkeys
The Beatles
Flock of Seagulls
Eek a Mouse
Def Leopard
Gorillaz
Whitesnake
Ratt
THESE BANDS ARE THEORETICALLY GAY, BUT MANAGE TO COMBINE TWO GAY ENTITIES AND FORM LIKE AN ARNOLD SCHWARZELLWEGGER VULTRON
Flaming Lips
Bikini Kill
Queens of the Stone Age
BADASS AND GAY IN ONE NAME – Blake, you’re a genius
“Death Cab”-Badass, “For Cutie”- Gay
“Bone Thugs”- Badass, “n’ Harmony”- Gay
“Gang”- Badass, “Starr”-Gay
“Guns”-badass, n’Roses”- Gay
“Violent”- Badass, “Femmes” – Gay
“cold” play” - necrophilia (hint, that means fucking dead people...actually kinda badass)
“Wolf”- Badass, “parade” – Gay (same with Wolfmother)
FINALLY, THIS IS THE BAZOOKA JOE BADASS LIST (surprisingly gay, also)
Dead Prez – they are badass, and they talk about beating up white people. That’s racist and ignorant, but fuck, sometimes we minority folks do get discriminated against, so fuck it!
Cat Power – if they were a bunch of mullet rocking hipsters than it’d be gay. But a lunatic bitch? Bad ass.
Mobb Deep – sure, they misspelled Mobb but I really don’t think they did it on purpose.
The Escape Club – it reminds me of a sandwich, and the bacon is just fucking tired and fed up and wants to go home and sleep
Saves the Day – shit,I like it. Sorry.
Cold War Kids - in the race for governor, Reagan ran on the platform that his opponent was a socialist; and was able to convince the public of it.
Rolling Stones – I love that whole analogy. Every man should live their life that way.
Blackalicious - It’s like naming yourself Luther. Like, you’d totally allow him to rest his penis on your head while he tells you about how he made eye contact with the girl that works at Foot Locker (and how he’s going to use her for the friends and family discount).
The Carpenters – like, if you went to their apartments you’d think they all have their own bars in there; with shotglasses in the shape of cowboy boots and a brandy glass full of matches from various nightclubs.
The New Pornographers - but Porno for Pyros is super gay
Groove Theory – it’s smooth, if the ocean was made of pudding, this would be it. You hear the band’s name, and you automatically know what you’re in for.
Kings of Convenience – this band is super chill. Like you can have a bunch of people make a mess at their apartment, and they’re like “ah nah..don’t even worry about it. Go home, I’ll clean.”
Digable Planets – no matter how cool their music was, their name was always better.
Handsome Boy Modeling School – Blake said it was gay, I like this name, though. It makes me want to get hair transplants on my armpits to increase my number of pheromones.
Tiger Army – I just love how their fur is so orange, it reminds me of an orange with fangs that will make your pants cry
Sneaker Pimps – I have no idea what the chick looks like, but her voice sounds like Jessica Alba, and I’m sure she'll look more like Jessica Yoda.
Alice In Chains – I would think that they take annual trips to stonehenge just so they can drink Jagermeister and draw pictures of what Death would look like.
The Decemberists – why couldn’t I have been born in December?
The Conscious Daughters – remember them? They were a gangsta rap duo and they sounded like men. Definitely bad ass. That must be what Luther sounds like.
And You Will Know Us By the Trail of the Dead – Worth every time I had to hit shift to capitalize that name
Iron and Wine – Gay, dominatrix sounding prison band..but you know what??? You can lock me up and throw away the key!
Arcade Fire – two obscure words, but somehow defuncts everything I mentioned before because they are the Bravehearts of music. EPIC!
A Tribe Called Quest – It’s flawless. I challenge anyone to top this.
Rules
It has to be unintentional. Barenaked Ladies or Butthole Surfers don’t work.
It has to be a recognizable band or I had to have sent them out before.
Blake is a fucking bitch for making the list that much better by segmenting it (I love you, seriously)
Auto-gay-dom – of course there are exceptions
The ______ - automatically gay, but there are exceptions
Misspelling your name, no excuses
The ____ ______ - combining two random words that don’t really make sense
______ and the ________ - for real? Go sprinkle rat poison in your eye and go fuck yourself.
Any combination of words and numbers (Sum 41, Blink 182, U2, 98 Degrees, Jurassic 5)
The name of an animal.
Ranked, in order from Hay to What Gay Horses Eat (Hey!!!!!) - and they should be ranked by name alone, but some things you can’t ignore..so there’s a boatload of subjectivity to it. I tend to hate sarcasm, tongue in cheek names.
Belle and Sebastian – reminds me of two shetland ponies gnawing on grass. See how gay they are? They just made me use the word gnawing.
The Get Up Kids – there was a time when I thought emo band names were cool, but then I’m a fucking 28 year old man now. MAN, not child (you got that, WOMAN?)
Jimmy Eat World – when I first heard of them, I thought of the video game Earthworm Jim. So I thought they were intergalactic penises.
Dashboard Confessional – seen that dude's eyebrows? So fucking thick and burrowed. If those shits caught on fire, it’d be able to evacuate an 8 unit apartment building.
Dogs Die In Hot Cars – I really hate sarcasm in band names. They spell cool like kewl.
Explosions in the Sky – it makes me think of extreme diarrhea (Katie, yes I love toilet humor)
Panic! at the Disco – I hate any type of punctuation in band names. Know how it fucks shit up when you’re trying to download it on Limewire?
Say Hi to Your Mom – You just want to punch this guy in the face. This jerk shops at Hollister and wears those gay ass seashell necklaces and hemp bracelets.
Architecture in Helsinki – admittedly, the band name fits their music (it makes absolutely no sense)
The Whitest Boy Alive – this is the equivalent of a tshirt that reads, “I’m big in Japan.”
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah – most people would initially think, “that’s a fun name. they seem like a fun band.” then you hear the guy’s whiny voice and you automatically think he has 4 gerbils in his ass.
Morningwood – very gay, but the lead’s voice is pretty sexy...she’d give Martina Navratilova a boner (even gayer was that Navratilova is fucking saved on spellcheck...fucking spellcheck!!! And muthafucking even “spellcheck” isn’t on spellcheck. That’s so gay I want to go to a Turkish bath house and drown in ecstacy...I’m so fucking mad)
Sparklehorse – sarcastic, gay name. This dummy uses Pantene Pro-V.
Nice & Smooth – these old school rappers think they’ll get laid with a name like that, I bet they groom their mustaches
LL Cool J – how many times can you lick your lips in an interview?
Good Charlotte – isn’t this guy dating Hillary Duff or something? I fucking hate them and won’t hesitate to smear their mascara with battery acid if I were to ever see them..presumably at the Teen’s Choice Awards...or 99% of the Southbay population’s iPOD playlist)
The Go Team – so many top-shelf girls love Go; and it drives me crazy. I only hang out with him to collect DNA samples and stem cell that shit to improve my game. Go is the Japanese LL Cool J. But I bet he licks other lips more often than his own.
TV On the Radio – know what’s even more ironic than the name? The fact that Black dudes from Brooklyn are making the best fucking music the rock scene has witnessed in the past 10 years.
Counting Crows – might as well name yourself “watching paint dry” or “watermelon seed spitting contest.” The act of counting crows must be real boring. Oh I know the perfect boring name, call yourself “texas hold em”
Oasis – I think this is considered to be British humor.
Air – You know, I think this name has bit of arrogance to it; but I kinda like it. This is me being “considerate” of other people’s deep engagements with their thoughts and their contributions.
Augustana – what is this shit? I was born in August and first I got fucked with being born in the only month without having a national holiday. Now my month sounds like a city in Georgia? What the fuck! At last make it a Blue state. I want to go punch a 12 year old girl now.
Kasabian – this must be the gay looking, bald Armenian guy that walks around Hollywood clubs with his Monarchy tshirt, gold chain, and Hennessey and Coke. Then does laps around the club in his white Ford Mustang or BMW 318 afterwards.
Aqualung – the gayest superhero ever was Aquaman. And I don’t care how happy-go-lucky he is, Vincent Chase is a douche. I want his life.
Interpol – remember that classic arcade game, Pole Position? I always thought there was something gay about it. Then my poor, ignant ass never knew Interpol was like the European police. If someone told me that Interpol was looking for me, I would think they would try to apprehend me on shetland ponies (named Belle and Sebastian).
Stellastar – haven’t we learned from Starship?
Wham – George Michael shaking his butt, with those close up shots really could’ve been dangerous while I was developing my sexual identity. Thank lord for Vanna White and Kelly Bundy.
Marvin Gaye – He was so smooth, he was just burdened with a gay name. Might as well have been born Marvin Lovesvegetablesuphisanoos
Mr Mister – how much more must he convince himself and the world that he’s not gay? Repetition can be a sign of uncertainty. Mr. Tribal Tattoo. It’s like those manly men that spend all day watching UFC, cage fighting or Football. Really, when you think about it, you’re watching a bunch of dudes touch each other. I’d rather go watch Maria Sharapova model adidas clothes at The Home Depot center with Roy, anyday.
Ditty Bops – shut up, dumb girls. That’s not cute.
Fall Out Boy – god, I hope these guys get pants'd on stage one day
Gin Blossoms – the early-mid 90s brought an onslaught of gay names that tried to sound all eclectic..
Stone Temple Pilots – like them
Smashing Pumpkins – and as dope and soulful as Billy Corgan is, you wouldn’t want to run into this fucking walking albino Q-Tip in a dark alley.
Pinback – such a gay sounding voice from this buff lead singer. You would think at night, he sleeps on those guaze/cotton pads that they pin butterflies to. Gay name. Songs about drowning fish are gay as hell too, but so unquantifiably dope.
Wu Tang Clan – my favorite hip hop group is also the gayest group. Yeah I know Wu Tang Clan. They live in Monterey Park, drive a Lexus, tell corny jokes, eat Banh Mi’ sandwiches and their breath has the constant smell of fish sauce.
Pearl Jam – This is a supergay compound word for semen. It’s like jizzmilkysauce.
Skid Row – how bout that song “I Remember You.” Fuck, you guys are rock stars. Don’t sing about shit that’s about love (that I’ll like), sing about bats and goat blood. Stay true to your name.
Nickelback – fuck em. I hate that guy's badass with a heart, goatee'd attidude. I wonder how many rattlesnakes die each year to provide him with cowboy boots. By the way, what’s up with all this....
Pennywise – coinage?
Bright Eyes – how can you call this guy bright eyes? He’s the most pessimistic artist on this list. He makes the Grim Reaper cry.
Savage Garden – I just flew in from New York. And boy are my arms tired. Ha! Don’t call me, I’ll call you. God, my brother and I started a fight with a family when we went camping in Alaska because of this fucking band (I shit you not). I want to fucking kill them. All I really need is for George Bush to sing lead, then it’ll be worth it.
Led Zeppelin – I was very ambivalent to the Euro-centric curriculum in my high school so I don’t know what the meaning is behind this name. But when I saw “led” I was like, “wait, it’s not los, la, el, or los lobos. This ain’t Chicano! Fuck that! I was raised Mexican, so whatever.
My Chemical Romance – I like to self loathe sometimes also, but I’m not going to name myself, “Hug Me, I’m Lonely”
Oingo Boingo – It would’ve been gayer, but “Dead Man’s Party” scared the shit out of me when I was 7-9 years old. Still gives me the heebie geebies.
Burning Spear – not only gay, but unprotected and irresponsibly gay.
Puddle of Mudd – how diarrhea is that? And just because you wear a beanie, it doesn’t mean you’re tough. You fucking Silent Bob loving bitch!
Jane’s Addiction – many people say this is dope, but this is pretty gay. Mostly gay because the girl I know that used to love this band always wore, everyday, a bomber jacket with lipstick stains and stray ballpoint pen marks all over it.
Toad the Wet Sprocket – gayer but I like them because I joined their fan club in junior high and they always sent me stuff.
Band of Horses – even their voices are gay. Horses are the gayest animals in the animal queendom. I fucking hate horses with their muscular physique and human-like hair. Fuck them. They should focus on their teeth before they trot around showing off their muscular, division 1 soccer legs.
Metallica – is this an Urban Decay lipstick color? Know what’s geigher? Me knowing Urban Decay. I swear, sometimes I’m actually interested in hearing what women have to say, even after getting in their pantalones.
Hoobastank – are they from Orange County? Or like the valley? What kind of name is that? Hoobastank is probably how I would describe the smell of a decomposing octopus.
Snow Patrol – god, I never should’ve even given them a chance. Their music is gay, their sound is gay, their name is gay. This is the gateway drug to “indie” rock. I slang coke, this is like a bottle of Boone’s Strawberry Farm.
Jamiroquai – I hate this name. I know he’s trying to sound like a country in Africa, but he really sounds like the land where the dog from “The Neverending Story” would be from.
Eazy-E – considering he died from AIDS, he stayed true to his name.
Boyz II Men – I love how these guys just opened up the floodgates and allowed Black artists to be “street” and sensitive at the same time. And I loved the chubby Mike Tyson soprano guy that always squinted his eyes when he got real emotive. He was gay all along, he just stared at women’s breasts all day because his neck would get stiff from looking up all the time. Go shorty, it’s your birthday.
Bush – Blake’s favorite. I really liked it, but I fucking hated it because I didn’t think of it first. So bugger off, Blake. And Blake has the unfair advantage of having her mind constantly in the gutter.
Pink Floyd – honestly, the real reason I hate Classic Rock is because I heard this band’s name before I heard the entire genre of music. And this is super gay. And when you see homeless bums or crackheads or homeless drunks and ask them what kind of music they listen to, I bet 99.9999% of them would answer “Classic Rock.” Know what I listen to? I listen to underground hip hop, homie. Homie as in friend, not homie as in hahah, you don’t have a home.
Kid n’ Play – they made everyone so envious of their free spiritedness and dance moves that it compelled a nation of urban youth to wear clown clothes. And you always wondered if Kid was half white or he just had peanut butter complexion.
Finally, just some random sections.
GAY ANIMAL NAMES
The Eagles
Minus the Bear
Le Tigre
Arctic Monkeys
The Beatles
Flock of Seagulls
Eek a Mouse
Def Leopard
Gorillaz
Whitesnake
Ratt
THESE BANDS ARE THEORETICALLY GAY, BUT MANAGE TO COMBINE TWO GAY ENTITIES AND FORM LIKE AN ARNOLD SCHWARZELLWEGGER VULTRON
Flaming Lips
Bikini Kill
Queens of the Stone Age
BADASS AND GAY IN ONE NAME – Blake, you’re a genius
“Death Cab”-Badass, “For Cutie”- Gay
“Bone Thugs”- Badass, “n’ Harmony”- Gay
“Gang”- Badass, “Starr”-Gay
“Guns”-badass, n’Roses”- Gay
“Violent”- Badass, “Femmes” – Gay
“cold” play” - necrophilia (hint, that means fucking dead people...actually kinda badass)
“Wolf”- Badass, “parade” – Gay (same with Wolfmother)
FINALLY, THIS IS THE BAZOOKA JOE BADASS LIST (surprisingly gay, also)
Dead Prez – they are badass, and they talk about beating up white people. That’s racist and ignorant, but fuck, sometimes we minority folks do get discriminated against, so fuck it!
Cat Power – if they were a bunch of mullet rocking hipsters than it’d be gay. But a lunatic bitch? Bad ass.
Mobb Deep – sure, they misspelled Mobb but I really don’t think they did it on purpose.
The Escape Club – it reminds me of a sandwich, and the bacon is just fucking tired and fed up and wants to go home and sleep
Saves the Day – shit,I like it. Sorry.
Cold War Kids - in the race for governor, Reagan ran on the platform that his opponent was a socialist; and was able to convince the public of it.
Rolling Stones – I love that whole analogy. Every man should live their life that way.
Blackalicious - It’s like naming yourself Luther. Like, you’d totally allow him to rest his penis on your head while he tells you about how he made eye contact with the girl that works at Foot Locker (and how he’s going to use her for the friends and family discount).
The Carpenters – like, if you went to their apartments you’d think they all have their own bars in there; with shotglasses in the shape of cowboy boots and a brandy glass full of matches from various nightclubs.
The New Pornographers - but Porno for Pyros is super gay
Groove Theory – it’s smooth, if the ocean was made of pudding, this would be it. You hear the band’s name, and you automatically know what you’re in for.
Kings of Convenience – this band is super chill. Like you can have a bunch of people make a mess at their apartment, and they’re like “ah nah..don’t even worry about it. Go home, I’ll clean.”
Digable Planets – no matter how cool their music was, their name was always better.
Handsome Boy Modeling School – Blake said it was gay, I like this name, though. It makes me want to get hair transplants on my armpits to increase my number of pheromones.
Tiger Army – I just love how their fur is so orange, it reminds me of an orange with fangs that will make your pants cry
Sneaker Pimps – I have no idea what the chick looks like, but her voice sounds like Jessica Alba, and I’m sure she'll look more like Jessica Yoda.
Alice In Chains – I would think that they take annual trips to stonehenge just so they can drink Jagermeister and draw pictures of what Death would look like.
The Decemberists – why couldn’t I have been born in December?
The Conscious Daughters – remember them? They were a gangsta rap duo and they sounded like men. Definitely bad ass. That must be what Luther sounds like.
And You Will Know Us By the Trail of the Dead – Worth every time I had to hit shift to capitalize that name
Iron and Wine – Gay, dominatrix sounding prison band..but you know what??? You can lock me up and throw away the key!
Arcade Fire – two obscure words, but somehow defuncts everything I mentioned before because they are the Bravehearts of music. EPIC!
A Tribe Called Quest – It’s flawless. I challenge anyone to top this.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Top 5 Gayest Solo Artist Names
Ranked in order from anal Cheeto to Flaming Hot Cheeto:
No. 5 - Boy George
Too obvious.
No. 4 - Herbie Hancock
Would've been higher but I don't think too many of you younger cats know him.
No. 3 - Ricky Nelson
He gave birth to two of the gayest looking twins, ever. If I were to see one of the Nelson twins from the back, (with their long, flowing hair) I might get an erection. And that's gayer than gay. That's Ben.
No. 2 - Jack Johnson
Ultimate porn name. It's the equivalent of Hans Solo.
No. 1 - Little Richard
You know his name is the last thing he'd ever want. Woooooo!
Honorable mention to all Chinese artists with the last name Wang.
No. 5 - Boy George
Too obvious.
No. 4 - Herbie Hancock
Would've been higher but I don't think too many of you younger cats know him.
No. 3 - Ricky Nelson
He gave birth to two of the gayest looking twins, ever. If I were to see one of the Nelson twins from the back, (with their long, flowing hair) I might get an erection. And that's gayer than gay. That's Ben.
No. 2 - Jack Johnson
Ultimate porn name. It's the equivalent of Hans Solo.
No. 1 - Little Richard
You know his name is the last thing he'd ever want. Woooooo!
Honorable mention to all Chinese artists with the last name Wang.
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Inebriated Conversation - The Letter Q
At Baja Cantina, last night, Jen, Rachelle and uhh I forgets were talking about the letter Q. I was telling them my problem with how shitty life can be sometimes and how the world really just isn't fair. And I was like, "For real Diety, no matter what, can you just make shit fair?" Who would have ever thought the creator(s) of life would be so against equality. God must have been a capitalist.
Well, I was talking about how the letter Q is just in a fucked up situation; especially when compared to the letter U. The point being that Q is so tied down and pussy whupped on U and U can be exploring other options. Ok, so grammar and language has it that if Q is ever used in a word, it always has to be with U. So there's already an alarming dependency. It's super needy, kind of like the girl/guy that always calls you every 15 minutes to see what you're doing when you're out with your friends (I'm fucking the Swedish Bikini Team in an 87' Chrysler LeBaron convertible, you pest). But it's a fact that Q needs to have a U in order to be relevant.
While all the while, U is always with another letter, at any given time. U is in SLUT; which demonstrates it perfectly. Well, where (shit..I'm stoned right now and I'm waiting to go surfing, fuck!?!?!? Andrew, Withers, Sanseri..where are you guys?).
Well, I hope I made some sense. Basically, I think it sucks that Q is always with U, and always looking forward to U; while U is like, "whateva, playa."
But I also hate Q because of his well developed Pringles mustache.
Well, I was talking about how the letter Q is just in a fucked up situation; especially when compared to the letter U. The point being that Q is so tied down and pussy whupped on U and U can be exploring other options. Ok, so grammar and language has it that if Q is ever used in a word, it always has to be with U. So there's already an alarming dependency. It's super needy, kind of like the girl/guy that always calls you every 15 minutes to see what you're doing when you're out with your friends (I'm fucking the Swedish Bikini Team in an 87' Chrysler LeBaron convertible, you pest). But it's a fact that Q needs to have a U in order to be relevant.
While all the while, U is always with another letter, at any given time. U is in SLUT; which demonstrates it perfectly. Well, where (shit..I'm stoned right now and I'm waiting to go surfing, fuck!?!?!? Andrew, Withers, Sanseri..where are you guys?).
Well, I hope I made some sense. Basically, I think it sucks that Q is always with U, and always looking forward to U; while U is like, "whateva, playa."
But I also hate Q because of his well developed Pringles mustache.
Thursday, August 9, 2007
Wednesday, August 8, 2007
"Minha Galera" - Manu Chao
Last time I sent out Manu Chao (this song specifically) there were only like 12 subscribers on this list, so I thought it’d be great to resend this great Summer song.
Ok, this song is in Portuguese, the band sings in Spanish, and they’re from France. Reminds me of my parents. When I was young my folks always talked about how they loved Elvis and The Beatles so much. They’d go on and on about how their records were banned; and you’d get fined if you were caught playing the record. “But dad, you didn’t speak a lick of English back then and you didn’t understand them at all.” He said all you really need for a good song is a good melody. I never quite understood what he meant by it.
Then comes this band and I find myself playing their albums on repeat all last summer. Now I completely understand what they were talking about when we had that conversation 20 years ago (wow, I’m old...even 20 years ago I was already a bumbling idiot). Fuck.
Way to make me feel like shit, fuckteeth.
-- Sonnyred
http://www.box.net/shared/ptcnr03bxu
Ok, this song is in Portuguese, the band sings in Spanish, and they’re from France. Reminds me of my parents. When I was young my folks always talked about how they loved Elvis and The Beatles so much. They’d go on and on about how their records were banned; and you’d get fined if you were caught playing the record. “But dad, you didn’t speak a lick of English back then and you didn’t understand them at all.” He said all you really need for a good song is a good melody. I never quite understood what he meant by it.
Then comes this band and I find myself playing their albums on repeat all last summer. Now I completely understand what they were talking about when we had that conversation 20 years ago (wow, I’m old...even 20 years ago I was already a bumbling idiot). Fuck.
Way to make me feel like shit, fuckteeth.
-- Sonnyred
http://www.box.net/shared/ptcnr03bxu
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
New York - Rock Playlist
Hello All,
Ok, this is probably about as intimate as it can get. I pour my pathetic heart and preteen emotions out in these emails every day to a bunch of strangers that don’t know me. Knowledge is useless without understanding; so I’m pretty confident that I can somewhat try to remain a mystery to some. Maybe I’ll wear an eye patch just for the fuck of it. Whatever, I have a busy day so I won’t try to make this all special, but I wanted to offer up something that will give more insight into me than anything I’ve ever written. I’m giving you a playlist! It lets you know how I chunk my music and what context I listen to it in. So it’s not like, “great choice for listening.” It’s more like, “ok, he chose to listen to this, in that context..what the hell was he thinking?” And lord, you have no idea how strongly a playlist can shape your environment and influence the way you experience it.
Well, for the most part, instead of perpetuating the energy and chaos of Manhattan, I really wanted to counterbalance it. After all, though in the middle of everything, I was very much rolling solo and I couldn’t help but see each subway train and think, “Aren’t we really all just a bunch of lost souls? What’s really on our agenda? Why are we walking so fast? Do we really need to be there, that fast? Are we going to win gold medals? Or cookies? Is it to justify our existence? Like, ‘let’s walk fast and hurriedly so that people will think we’re going places and handling our bitness?’” Really though, I revel at sharing such intimate things like playlists, but thought you guys might find it interesting. Shit, maybe it might even compel you guys to make playlists of your own for certain moods, trips, etc. (please share with me, I’m very curious).
I don’t know. Either way, the city was sizzling and these songs helped my nerves simmer down (lyrics should be embedded in the files):
SWEET SWEET HEARTKILLER
Say Hi to Your Mom – cool nerd rock. Top 5 current bands right now. This song is one of my favorites that I discovered this year (I can’t thank you enough, Eric). Lyrics and story of the song are beautiful. “Her winks cut through me like a ginsu."
BLAH BLAH BLAH
Say Hi to Your Mom - again, another song that makes me think, “why the fuck aren’t these guys living in mansions and playing with their pet bengal tigers?” they’re so good.....gosh, I really hate the commercial music plight.
BOOKS FROM BOXES
Maximo Park – the name of the band reminds me of a Korean gladiator. And that’s why I picked this song.
BREAKFAST IN BED
Dntl feat. Conor Oburst – however you spell the whiny boy’s name. Well, he always draws comparisons to Dylan (I’m not sure if it’s Bob or the Luke Perry). Story revolves around a fling that takes place in New York, presumably under the context of an affair. Well, this song just makes me want to tell someone, “for real. No one has to know. If you want it, don’t let anyone other than you stop you; not your obligations or commitments.” The heart is a powerful thing, and you can’t control your feelings or what you think, but your mind can definitely sedate you and restrict you from really letting your soul take flight. That’s my case, no further comments. But on a side note, my dad taught me a lesson I’ll never fail, “never fuck around with your friends’ girlfriends. It’s a lot easier to find a desirable girl than it is to find a good friend.” Word up, pops!
FISTS UP
The Blow – her voice is soothing and her cute personality just oozes out. If I had to choose a wife based on voice alone, I’d pick her. Sure, Karen O (yeah yeah yeahs) and Chan (Cat Power) will probably be wild times, but when it comes down to it...I pick cute over sexy, or even psycho-sexy, anyday.
HOW MY HEART BEHAVES
Feist – this song reminds me of a rich, yuppie woman in a dark red dress overlooking a windowsill somewhere in San Francisco. Trying to see through the pattering rain, looking into oblivion for some sort of salvation. Perhaps holding her wine in one hand, clutching her pearl necklace in the other (the literal kind, perverts) And like she probably has a white, fluffy cat that reminds you of that lead cheerleader in high school that always had a bitchface and you didn’t understand why all the guys liked her so much? Here’s a hint, it’s because she looks like a bitch.
NO FIT STATE
Hot Chip – this is the gayest sounding band, like I want to pick up old school wrestler, Hacksaw Jim Dugan, and just go beat the shit out of all the band members. I do like them a lot, but I would never play them in front of my “ghetto friends." But still, this song made me feel cool, calm and cRaZY!!
SIMPLE X
Andrew Bird – this song, the entire album was real soothing and mellow. No real standouts other than this song. And even still it wasn’t an F-16 fighter jet, but it was still like, “look, that’s a cool plane.” Same mood inhibitor as Beck’s “Sea Change.” The marching band drumming made me walk with pride, like I had a posse as my backup, like all the dancers in the “Thriller” video.
SURPRISE ICE
Kings of Convenience - New York always seemed more cultured and mature than LA to me. So I picked this song because it made me feel older and more refined. This is probably the musical equivalent of a wool, pea coat. This is one of those songs that they'll play in the courtroom waiting rooms (to maintain all the pissed off people waiting because they got summoned) or the song they'll play when someone crazy gets reintroduced back into society. And like, I’m doing fine...I’m just getting buy...used the shrimp fork for the shrimp, napkin on my lap and all. Then all of a sudden, I get a sip of a mojito then I just flip the table upside down and go into a rage like, “fuck, shit!!?!?!?!!?!” and just go ape shit on everyone. The calm before the storm.
WEREWOLF
CocoRosie - This song is byoo-tea-full. Just listen to the lyrics. This song will make you like black licorice. I had this on repeat while perusing the hallways of MOMA, silently judging people by their handbags. You listen to this song on the subway and you’ll have this uncontrollable urge to bob your head to the slow drumming. This is one of those songs that you have to listen to for at least 2 hours on repeat to realize how monumental, flawless and how tragically beautiful it is. Then, after that you return to your subway car, and you’re like, “Shit, I want to just announce this band to everyone in here. I wish they could all hear the song I’m listening to right now! They have no idea how cool I am by playing this right now. Damn, if only they knew....they’d want me to kiss their babies.”
-- Sonnyred
Download the entire compilation here:
http://www.box.net/shared/9xa6yrqb14
Ok, this is probably about as intimate as it can get. I pour my pathetic heart and preteen emotions out in these emails every day to a bunch of strangers that don’t know me. Knowledge is useless without understanding; so I’m pretty confident that I can somewhat try to remain a mystery to some. Maybe I’ll wear an eye patch just for the fuck of it. Whatever, I have a busy day so I won’t try to make this all special, but I wanted to offer up something that will give more insight into me than anything I’ve ever written. I’m giving you a playlist! It lets you know how I chunk my music and what context I listen to it in. So it’s not like, “great choice for listening.” It’s more like, “ok, he chose to listen to this, in that context..what the hell was he thinking?” And lord, you have no idea how strongly a playlist can shape your environment and influence the way you experience it.
Well, for the most part, instead of perpetuating the energy and chaos of Manhattan, I really wanted to counterbalance it. After all, though in the middle of everything, I was very much rolling solo and I couldn’t help but see each subway train and think, “Aren’t we really all just a bunch of lost souls? What’s really on our agenda? Why are we walking so fast? Do we really need to be there, that fast? Are we going to win gold medals? Or cookies? Is it to justify our existence? Like, ‘let’s walk fast and hurriedly so that people will think we’re going places and handling our bitness?’” Really though, I revel at sharing such intimate things like playlists, but thought you guys might find it interesting. Shit, maybe it might even compel you guys to make playlists of your own for certain moods, trips, etc. (please share with me, I’m very curious).
I don’t know. Either way, the city was sizzling and these songs helped my nerves simmer down (lyrics should be embedded in the files):
SWEET SWEET HEARTKILLER
Say Hi to Your Mom – cool nerd rock. Top 5 current bands right now. This song is one of my favorites that I discovered this year (I can’t thank you enough, Eric). Lyrics and story of the song are beautiful. “Her winks cut through me like a ginsu."
BLAH BLAH BLAH
Say Hi to Your Mom - again, another song that makes me think, “why the fuck aren’t these guys living in mansions and playing with their pet bengal tigers?” they’re so good.....gosh, I really hate the commercial music plight.
BOOKS FROM BOXES
Maximo Park – the name of the band reminds me of a Korean gladiator. And that’s why I picked this song.
BREAKFAST IN BED
Dntl feat. Conor Oburst – however you spell the whiny boy’s name. Well, he always draws comparisons to Dylan (I’m not sure if it’s Bob or the Luke Perry). Story revolves around a fling that takes place in New York, presumably under the context of an affair. Well, this song just makes me want to tell someone, “for real. No one has to know. If you want it, don’t let anyone other than you stop you; not your obligations or commitments.” The heart is a powerful thing, and you can’t control your feelings or what you think, but your mind can definitely sedate you and restrict you from really letting your soul take flight. That’s my case, no further comments. But on a side note, my dad taught me a lesson I’ll never fail, “never fuck around with your friends’ girlfriends. It’s a lot easier to find a desirable girl than it is to find a good friend.” Word up, pops!
FISTS UP
The Blow – her voice is soothing and her cute personality just oozes out. If I had to choose a wife based on voice alone, I’d pick her. Sure, Karen O (yeah yeah yeahs) and Chan (Cat Power) will probably be wild times, but when it comes down to it...I pick cute over sexy, or even psycho-sexy, anyday.
HOW MY HEART BEHAVES
Feist – this song reminds me of a rich, yuppie woman in a dark red dress overlooking a windowsill somewhere in San Francisco. Trying to see through the pattering rain, looking into oblivion for some sort of salvation. Perhaps holding her wine in one hand, clutching her pearl necklace in the other (the literal kind, perverts) And like she probably has a white, fluffy cat that reminds you of that lead cheerleader in high school that always had a bitchface and you didn’t understand why all the guys liked her so much? Here’s a hint, it’s because she looks like a bitch.
NO FIT STATE
Hot Chip – this is the gayest sounding band, like I want to pick up old school wrestler, Hacksaw Jim Dugan, and just go beat the shit out of all the band members. I do like them a lot, but I would never play them in front of my “ghetto friends." But still, this song made me feel cool, calm and cRaZY!!
SIMPLE X
Andrew Bird – this song, the entire album was real soothing and mellow. No real standouts other than this song. And even still it wasn’t an F-16 fighter jet, but it was still like, “look, that’s a cool plane.” Same mood inhibitor as Beck’s “Sea Change.” The marching band drumming made me walk with pride, like I had a posse as my backup, like all the dancers in the “Thriller” video.
SURPRISE ICE
Kings of Convenience - New York always seemed more cultured and mature than LA to me. So I picked this song because it made me feel older and more refined. This is probably the musical equivalent of a wool, pea coat. This is one of those songs that they'll play in the courtroom waiting rooms (to maintain all the pissed off people waiting because they got summoned) or the song they'll play when someone crazy gets reintroduced back into society. And like, I’m doing fine...I’m just getting buy...used the shrimp fork for the shrimp, napkin on my lap and all. Then all of a sudden, I get a sip of a mojito then I just flip the table upside down and go into a rage like, “fuck, shit!!?!?!?!!?!” and just go ape shit on everyone. The calm before the storm.
WEREWOLF
CocoRosie - This song is byoo-tea-full. Just listen to the lyrics. This song will make you like black licorice. I had this on repeat while perusing the hallways of MOMA, silently judging people by their handbags. You listen to this song on the subway and you’ll have this uncontrollable urge to bob your head to the slow drumming. This is one of those songs that you have to listen to for at least 2 hours on repeat to realize how monumental, flawless and how tragically beautiful it is. Then, after that you return to your subway car, and you’re like, “Shit, I want to just announce this band to everyone in here. I wish they could all hear the song I’m listening to right now! They have no idea how cool I am by playing this right now. Damn, if only they knew....they’d want me to kiss their babies.”
-- Sonnyred
Download the entire compilation here:
http://www.box.net/shared/9xa6yrqb14
Friday, August 3, 2007
What the Bleep Do You Know?
(At my apartment, high and wanting to harass someone; all while waiting for Meghan to pick me up)
All events occurred via text message:
Roe to Roy: You: Ur lame. U don’t even know how cool it is to rock a sidekick. I feel like toni braxton. I know what you’re thinking, you homo.
Roy to Roe: Haha....I’d get one if it weren’t t mobile.
Roe to Roy: Dude its fucking made exacrly dfor people like us. No joke.
Roy to Roe: I know ppl that have one just to use for internet, text and im. No phone service just data plan
Roe to Roy: Fuck yeah, u know people that are deaf. Ure a fucking saint, I hate you.
Roy to Roe: Deaf? No just spoiled rotten. Enough to afford 2 phones and 2 plans.
(En route to POWs, I told Meghan about my latest adventures of being high and harassing people)
First thing I do is buy her a beer because I love her and she picked me up. We go to the bar, order the beer, and we walk by the jukebox (and you know me, I’m curious by nature). There’s a girl there, by herself, picking songs and so I peek over her shoulder. She requests three songs. All
TONI muthafucking BRAXTON.
All events occurred via text message:
Roe to Roy: You: Ur lame. U don’t even know how cool it is to rock a sidekick. I feel like toni braxton. I know what you’re thinking, you homo.
Roy to Roe: Haha....I’d get one if it weren’t t mobile.
Roe to Roy: Dude its fucking made exacrly dfor people like us. No joke.
Roy to Roe: I know ppl that have one just to use for internet, text and im. No phone service just data plan
Roe to Roy: Fuck yeah, u know people that are deaf. Ure a fucking saint, I hate you.
Roy to Roe: Deaf? No just spoiled rotten. Enough to afford 2 phones and 2 plans.
(En route to POWs, I told Meghan about my latest adventures of being high and harassing people)
First thing I do is buy her a beer because I love her and she picked me up. We go to the bar, order the beer, and we walk by the jukebox (and you know me, I’m curious by nature). There’s a girl there, by herself, picking songs and so I peek over her shoulder. She requests three songs. All
TONI muthafucking BRAXTON.
Thursday, August 2, 2007
Two Mash Ups for Everyone
Hello All,
This Saturday, going off at The Echo (Echo Parque). Mad mash ups and freaks galore. Always a good time of to be had there; whether it be dancing or just listening to creative mixes. If you can manage to scurry out of the comfort zone and want to catch of a better representation of Los Angeles, go there this Saturday.
Not every girl is thin. Not every girl wears True Religion. Not every girl has a vagina.
-- Sonnyred
Joy Division Mashup
http://www.box.net/shared/28puro6q87
Lady Sovereign Mashup
http://www.box.net/shared/cg1g48995x
This Saturday, going off at The Echo (Echo Parque). Mad mash ups and freaks galore. Always a good time of to be had there; whether it be dancing or just listening to creative mixes. If you can manage to scurry out of the comfort zone and want to catch of a better representation of Los Angeles, go there this Saturday.
Not every girl is thin. Not every girl wears True Religion. Not every girl has a vagina.
-- Sonnyred
Joy Division Mashup
http://www.box.net/shared/28puro6q87
Lady Sovereign Mashup
http://www.box.net/shared/cg1g48995x
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
"Good Woman" - Cat Power
Hello All,
I’m a hopeless romantic simply because of the way love is depicted in music and film. It’s carefully orchestrated, where the camera pans around 360 degrees to lock in on a young/disgruntled/reunited/dying couple holding each other in a park/ice skating rink/spring meadow/football field. Helicopters have to climb hundreds of feet into the air so that the camera can pan out to show the couples’ microcosm in relation to their outer environment. There is no doubt about it; love constantly walks the fine line between luxury and basic human need; and that’s what fascinates me about the whole notion of it.
A lot of it had to do with my dad, who engrained me with the splendors and splinters of love at a very young age. Talking about how An Affair to Remember’s protagonist was a real man by not mentioning how long he patiently waited for her; or the countless times he sang songs by The Platters on our summer roadtrips. I don’t know, my dad said he was always a wise man but always a fool for love (which is why he married my mom and she pumped me out like I was a constipated turd). And so a lot of my dad’s interests and a little bit of Hollywood magic was what got me all interested in the phenomenon to begin with. How can something so immeasurable leave someone feeling so empty? At the same time, how can something, that people can do without, be so nourishing?
And love songs? I’ll tell you why I love them. Because they’ve been around for tens of thousands of years and no one can quite crack it. Millions of songs have been written about it and yet tomorrow I just might hear someone articulate it in a fresh, new way. I mean like, really, isn’t that insane? And it can all evoke a certain message; whether it be a rap verse, a bellowing opera song, or the strokes of a piano. So what better medium to compare music to? So far, I don’t know..they’re all the same in power. I might actually make a little playlist and upload it...different genres (classical chamber chant, rock, emo, punk, hip hop, jazz and blues) to show how powerful and diverse and uniform music is?
With music I always try to account for the intangible — the authenticity of the artists’ emotions. People can sing or pen their own songs, but you can somewhat sense if their motives were true or if they just wanted to invent a feeling to sell records (kind of like people who love someone simply because they want someone to love). So the intangible is why I’m sending out today’s song. It may be be a repeat for some, but oh yeah, I don’t give a fuck. Just listening to the first 3 seconds it’s like, “hold up. Let me pause it and make myself a JD and Coke to go with my cigarette.”
Hands running through your hair and all.
-- Sonnyred
http://www.box.net/shared/4ho4u4aroc
GOOD WOMAN
I want to be a good woman
And I want, for you to be a good man.
This is why I will be leaving
And this is why, I can't see you no more.
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever
I don't want be a bad women
And I can't stand to see you be a bad man
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever
And this is why I am leaving
And this is why I can't see you no more
This is why I am lying when I say
That I don't love you no more
Cause I want (to) be a good women
And I want for to be a good man
I’m a hopeless romantic simply because of the way love is depicted in music and film. It’s carefully orchestrated, where the camera pans around 360 degrees to lock in on a young/disgruntled/reunited/dying couple holding each other in a park/ice skating rink/spring meadow/football field. Helicopters have to climb hundreds of feet into the air so that the camera can pan out to show the couples’ microcosm in relation to their outer environment. There is no doubt about it; love constantly walks the fine line between luxury and basic human need; and that’s what fascinates me about the whole notion of it.
A lot of it had to do with my dad, who engrained me with the splendors and splinters of love at a very young age. Talking about how An Affair to Remember’s protagonist was a real man by not mentioning how long he patiently waited for her; or the countless times he sang songs by The Platters on our summer roadtrips. I don’t know, my dad said he was always a wise man but always a fool for love (which is why he married my mom and she pumped me out like I was a constipated turd). And so a lot of my dad’s interests and a little bit of Hollywood magic was what got me all interested in the phenomenon to begin with. How can something so immeasurable leave someone feeling so empty? At the same time, how can something, that people can do without, be so nourishing?
And love songs? I’ll tell you why I love them. Because they’ve been around for tens of thousands of years and no one can quite crack it. Millions of songs have been written about it and yet tomorrow I just might hear someone articulate it in a fresh, new way. I mean like, really, isn’t that insane? And it can all evoke a certain message; whether it be a rap verse, a bellowing opera song, or the strokes of a piano. So what better medium to compare music to? So far, I don’t know..they’re all the same in power. I might actually make a little playlist and upload it...different genres (classical chamber chant, rock, emo, punk, hip hop, jazz and blues) to show how powerful and diverse and uniform music is?
With music I always try to account for the intangible — the authenticity of the artists’ emotions. People can sing or pen their own songs, but you can somewhat sense if their motives were true or if they just wanted to invent a feeling to sell records (kind of like people who love someone simply because they want someone to love). So the intangible is why I’m sending out today’s song. It may be be a repeat for some, but oh yeah, I don’t give a fuck. Just listening to the first 3 seconds it’s like, “hold up. Let me pause it and make myself a JD and Coke to go with my cigarette.”
Hands running through your hair and all.
-- Sonnyred
http://www.box.net/shared/4ho4u4aroc
GOOD WOMAN
I want to be a good woman
And I want, for you to be a good man.
This is why I will be leaving
And this is why, I can't see you no more.
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever
I don't want be a bad women
And I can't stand to see you be a bad man
I will miss your heart so tender
And I will love
This love forever
And this is why I am leaving
And this is why I can't see you no more
This is why I am lying when I say
That I don't love you no more
Cause I want (to) be a good women
And I want for to be a good man
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